Dan Vs SpongeBob SquarePants
by AgentGoldfish
Summary: Dan goes to Bikini Bottom. Hilarity ensues
1. Chapter 1

"Why would you bring me BACK to the beach? Don't you remember what happened last time?" Dan asked, angry that Chris was making him go to the beach.

"Dan, this time, we're not gonna be on the beach. We're going on a submarine voyage to the bottom of the sea" Chris said

"Well I still don't like it" Dan pouted. They went in the submarine and head out to sea. Dan spotted a pineapple with a square yellow sponge coming out of it and waving to them "Hey, what's a pineapple doing at the bottom of the –"

"WE'RE GONNA CRASH!" Chris freaked out. Elise tried to control the sub but failed. They put on their scuba gear and left the vessel. "Oh, this is all my fault. If I hadn't seen that little sponge and got distracted…"

"Hi, I'm SpongeBob!" the yellow sponge came up to them and said

"YOU DID THIS! SPOOOOOOOONGEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!"

Then, the episodes title came on the screen "**DAN VS: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS**"

"Can you keep it down, I am trying to – Who are you?" Squidward asked from out the window.

"I'm SpongeBob, Squidward you silly –" SpongeBob began

"Not you, you moron, them!"

"I am Dan and if you would excuse me, I am TRYING to plan my REVENGE on this IDIOTIC CUBE for CRASHING my SUBMARINE! And that's Chris and Elise."

"Revenge? On SpongeBob? Hold on a minute" Squidward said, heading down the stairs and out the door. "Why don't you step into my house and we can discuss this "revenge" scheme over a nice cup of tea, huh?"

"That sounds lovely, Mr… Uh… what's your name again?" Dan wondered

"Squidward Q. Tentacles, my good man" Squidward responding, shutting the door before Chris and Elise could go inside.

"So… what are we gonna do now?" Chris asked

"Well, looks like Dan has all the help he needs with his revenge scheme for today… wanna go… Find out where we are, seriously, this place looks like a normal town but… underwater, how did they do this?" Elise went on

"Sure" Chris said as they saw the "Bikini Bottom" sign, telling them where they were

/

"So, you mean to tell me YOU hate SpongeBob TOO? Well then why do you live nextdoor to him!" Dan asked

"…No one would by the house when I tried to move…"

"Well, if I were you, I would have gotten revenge on that yellow fool long ago!"

"Well, I would have, but I could never find someone willing to help me exact my revenge… though I have been scheming for about 12 years."

"Good, what do you have so far?"

"…Well, to be honest, nothing. I could never think of anything. I've been trying for twelve years, but I always get distracted by my clarinet"

"Well why don't you get revenge on clarinets?"

"You can't get revenge on a musical instrument! It's an inanimate object!"

"Well, it seems we have very different viewpoints when it comes to who or whom you can and cannot get revenge on. I for one know it's possible to get revenge on inanimate objects. Why, just this year I've gotten revenge on New Mexico, an animal shelter, Canada, Traffic, Ye Olde Shakespeare Dinner Theatre, Baseball, the beach, technology, and art."

"Wow… I stand corrected. Anyway, I know SpongeBob very well, and we could easily make his life miserable by combating him through what's closest to him, such as his pet snail, Gary, his best friend, Patrick, his job at the Krusty Krab –"

"Wait wait wait, what's a Krusty Krab?"

"A disgusting restaurant that serves unhealthy, vile food"

"Why would anyone eat at such a place? It's even got the word "crusty" in the name!"

"I have no idea, other than the fact that everyone in Bikini Bottom is an utter buffoon"

"So, what you're saying is, if we take down the Krusty Krab, we mess up SpongeBob?"

"Well, yes, but you see I –"

"Enough! Where's your local explosives store?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, Dan, Bikini Bottom doesn't HAVE an explosives store" Squidward explained

Dan responded "What kind of a town doesn't have an explosives store!"

"A town that's UNDERWATER WHERE THE FUSE WOULD JUST GO OUT!"

"…you have a point there…"

"Well, instead of blowing up the place, why not take it down another way?"

"What do you mean?" Dan asked

"Mr. Krabs, the owner of the Krusty Krab, has a rival, Plankton, who also runs a restaurant, the Chum Bucket. If we can get all of Krabs' business to go to the Chum Bucket instead, Krabs will be forced to close the restaurant and fire SpongeBob!" Squidward explained

"Hm, hm, yes, quite an intriguing proposition… Let's go for it! Show me where this bucket of chum is"

/

They headed to the Chum Bucket. Plankton's latest scheme to steal the Krabby Patty's secret formula had ultimately failed. He was sitting at home, depressed, eating his holographic meatloaf.

"Gah, Karen, why can't I do anything right?" Plankton asked his computer wife

"Probably for the same reason you only eat holographic food: Nobody knows" Karen replied snarkily  
>"…I won't even dignify that with a response" Plankton responded. Squidward and Dan walked in<p>

"CUSTOMERS!" Planton hurried to the counter "Welcome to the Chum Bucket, what can I get for you?"

"Assistance in revenge, that's what!" Dan yelled

"Now calm down, Dan!" Squidward ordered

"You don't tell me in what direction to calm in…" Dan mumbled

"What's this about revenge?" Plankton asked

"We want revenge on SpongeBob, and we need your help. We want to get SpongeBob fired and the Krusty Krab shut down, so we need you to get more business. Now, approximately how many customers do you get per day?" Dan explained

"On a good day? Maybe one, but on an average day, none" Plankton explained sadly

"…this is gonna be harder than I thought" Dan said


	3. Chapter 3

"So we all know the plan, right?" Dan said to Squidward and Plankton

"Yep" Squidward said

"Affirmative!" Plankton responded

"Then let's go get us some customers!"

/  
>Plankton went into the Krusty Krab to distract Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob while Squidward gave Dan the signal. Dan was ready to go down on his rope to steal the frozen Krabby Patties and burn the cooking ones. As soon as Plankton walked in, he made his presence known.<p>

"Hey, Krabsy, Spongey! I got a bone to pick with you punks!" Planton yelled. Squidward gave a thumbs up from the cashier's boat-counter-thing into the kitchen. Dan jumped down from his hole in the ceiling. He grabbed all the frozen patties crate by crate and put them into the ceiling. Once that was done, he turned the grill up to high, burning the currently cooking, tender, juicy patties to a dark, crunchy, distasteful crisp.

"And another thing –" Plankton began, noticing the thumbs up from Dan "…keep up the good work". Plankton ran out and back into the Chum Bucket.

"What was that all about?" SpongeBob asked

"Aye, I don't know, Boy. I don't know. I'll never get Plankton. Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar!" Mr. Krabs laughed.

"Hmmm… something's amiss today…" SpongeBob suspected.

/

"So, I got the Krabby Patties. So now, SpongeBob will have nothing to cook, and he'll be fired! It's brilliant! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Like my evil laugh?" Dan said

"Not bad, but try to bring it from the chest a little more. MOO-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Plankton explained

"Like this? MUAHA-HAHAHA-HA-HA!"

"No, no, more like "MUAHAHA-MUAHAHAHAHA-MUAHAHA-MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"CAN WE FOCUS HERE!" Squidward yelled

"Oh, sure, we can. Anyway, now we just have to get the customers to come here instead and – Oh, look, they're already here." Dan said, spying a pink starfish walk in.

"Hello, Patrick, may I help you?" Plankton asked

"Uhh, yeah, I got this problem, see. There's this guy, and he's on my –" Patrick said

"Not that kind of help, Patrick." Plankton said "What would you like to eat?"

"Uhh, a cookie." Plankton handed Patrick a cookie. It inspired Patrick to go home and write a novel. It went a little something like this: "Patrick ate a cookie. The end."

Then, customers started piling in by the dozens. They were hungry, and with the Krusty Krab out of food, they had nowhere else to go within walking distance, and wouldn't go out of their way due to the rising gas prices.

They had been ordering burgers and chum alike, and Dan, Squidward, and Plankton were having trouble serving them all. Eventually, they did, and the Krusty Krab went out of business. SpongeBob ran home crying. Dan felt he had a job well done. He went to find Chris and Elise, and he headed home.

/

EPILOGUE

SpongeBob was sitting in his pineapple house, sobbing. He eventually realized who's fault this was.

"SQUIIIIIIIDWAAAAAAAAAAARD!" he yelled. The title "SpongeBob Vs" came up.


End file.
